If you’ve felt jealous before, you already know:
Jealousy is a powerful feeling. When it spirals
unchecked, it can lead people to act in ways
that destroy their relationship, such as spying on
their partner or becoming aggressively
possessive. So, if you struggle with jealousy, it’s
a good idea to learn how to respond differently
when those feelings strike.
Begin by questioning your reflexive reactions,
and then choose to respond differently. Dr.
Robert Leahy, a noted cognitive behavioral
therapist, suggests healthy ways of handling
some of the most common jealous thoughts:
“I’m feeling so jealous that I have to do
something about it.”
While some people have this conscious thought,
many others just experience the need to act on
their jealousy without really reflecting on their
experience. They focus on how they are losing
(or might lose) the other person’s attention and
affection; and they act on this, such as by
asking for reassurance or demanding attention.
Instead, practice observing your jealous
feelings. Acknowledge your concerns and fears
about your relationship being threatened. Then
assess the situation. If there is no realistic need
to be concerned, reassure yourself that your
relationship is safe for the moment. And remind
yourself that feeling jealous does not mean that
you need to act on that feeling. If you do have a
good reason to feel threatened, then you can
decide on a healthy way to address the
situation, like talking with your partner.
Another good way to cope with jealous feelings
is to do the opposite of what you want to do.
For instance, instead of expressing anger
toward your partner, you might think about the
ways that they have been caring and then
express your love.
“I feel like there is something wrong with me
for feeling jealous.”
Sometimes people think there is something
wrong with them for having certain feelings,
such as jealousy. It can help to remind yourself
that many people struggle with feeling jealous
and are upset by this. Acknowledge that feeling
this way can be difficult. By responding to
yourself in this way, you encourage yourself to
have empathy and compassion for your struggle.
Then, rather than feeding your jealousy or anger
toward yourself, you can work on nurturing your
love and sense of safety with your partner. If
you frequently get upset with yourself for feeling
flawed, then you would also benefit from
working on improving your self-image, perhaps
even in therapy.
As you address these jealous thoughts, it can
also help to distance yourself from them by
telling yourself, “I have a jealous mind.” This can
be especially effective when you believe that
your partner is trustworthy and has not earned
your mistrust. The focus here, as with the
advice above, is on changing your reaction to
your jealousy. When you are able to observe
your reactions to your jealousy and choose to
respond differently, you can nurture a happier,
emotionally safer relationship.
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